I Am Sorry For Your Loss

by affi — Tuesday, December 29th, 2009 at 8:00 am

in Pregnancy and tagged with keguguran, losing a baby, miscarriage

Those 6 words are enough to express your sympathy to a friend who just a miscarriage.

I never quite knew what to say when meeting friends who lost their family members, let alone pregnancy. I became a mumbling fool near them because I’m afraid I’ll say inappropriate things that might hurt them even more. Until an unfortunate thing happened, I had a miscarriage and had to face all sorts of comments from well-meaning friends and family that taught me one valuable lesson. You don’t have to say too much. Just say how sorry you are for their loss.

Moreover, the following is what NOT to say to a woman who just had a miscarriage:

“Makanya jangan kecapean / Terlalu ngoyo kerjanya / Pake hak tinggi / Jalannya terlalu cepet”

(true story, someone actually said it to me) or any remarks that are basically saying that the mother did something that caused the miscarriage.

Most miscarriages happen because the fetus may have been unable to implant in the uterus, or implanted poorly; it may have suffered from a genetic aberration; there may have been significant chromosomal abnormalities that weren’t compatible with life. Whatever the cause, the result was that the embryo or fetus was unable to develop normally. And it is not the mother’s fault.

“Untung baru 2 bulan ya”

Whether it happens during the first, second or third months, it is still a great loss for the parents and most probably they have begun to bond with their baby. So yes, comments like that will hurt.

“Nanti juga dapet lagi”

That may be true but saying this give the impression that you take the parents’ grief lightly.

“Untung udah punya anak ya”

Yes, but they have lost THIS baby and you can’t just replace a baby with a new or existing ones.

There are many more examples of remarks intended to cheer up a grieving mother but end up making her feel more depressed, but the above are the ones I heard the most. I, of course, didn’t show any emotion when dealing with this kind of remarks but I did wish they hadn’t said them. And when I heard those things said to another grieving mothers, I wince.

So once again, keep it simple but let her know that you are there for her if she needs to talk. And one more thing, if you work in the same place, it might be a good idea to tell your colleagues that your friend just lost her baby so that when she returns to work, any awkward situation can be avoided. Learn from my experience. When I came to the office after my miscarriage, somebody in the office ran to me and said in a loud voice “Hi there pregnant mama! How big is the baby in your belly now?” while stroking my tummy lovingly. When somebody told her what happened, her face went bright red and she couldn’t look me in the eyes for weeks after :D Believe me it was awkward for both of us!

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sanetya says:

December 29, 2009 at 9:00 am

The world may know me as the girl who talks 1000 words/minute but when it comes to this kinda situation, I froze. Just like you, Fi..I’m afraid I’m going to blab, made a complete fool of myself and end up making the mother more depressed. So I make it simple; “I’m sorry for your lost” plus a big hug and lend my ears (& shoulder) to listen to the mother’s story, grief etc. Nice post.

*and sadly I just said those words to our friend last week*

citra says:

December 29, 2009 at 9:10 am

Gosh…forgive me…gw pernah ngucapin itu sebelum gw hamil…dan sekarang gw bener bener menyesal…
Thanks atas pencerahannya

erwen says:

December 29, 2009 at 9:12 am

This is such a valuable lesson!
I myself have always been in the same group as you were, Fi. The silent friend who chooses to give a deep hug and say nothing because honestly i don’t know what to say when someone had a miscarriage. Now I know at least what I SHOULD NOT say…
Thanks alot! :)

Amalia says:

December 29, 2009 at 9:25 am

Thanks affi, at least like erwen I know what I should not say. I always choose to not say much, because I’m never one with too many word :)

lucy says:

December 29, 2009 at 10:49 am

waktu gw miscarriage, yah banyak juga yang ngomong kalimat 1 sampe 3.
gw percaya mereka ga maksud apa2, cuma mau menghibur gw aja.
yang paling nyakitin emang kalimat pertama (yg banyakan ngomong gini tante2 & oma gw nih).. bener2 membuat gw merasa bersalah.. =(
kalimat “ntar juga dapet lagi” emang paling mending rasanya buat gw, krn gw juga keep saying that to myself, walo uda 2 taun lewat ga dapet2 lagi juga =(

thanks for writing affi..

Hanzky says:

December 29, 2009 at 11:00 am

Komen nomer satu itu pastiiii bakalan mampir ke kuping deh, dan terutama datengnya dari keluarga, yang udah tua tua ..:D. Kasian banget yah, udah keilangan calon bayinya, ehh masih disalahin pula (Happened to me!!). Jadi kalo emang nggak tau mau ngomong apa mendingan jujur aja..”I don’t know what to say :(” while giving her a warm hug and assure her that it’s not her faults.

kucing penidur says:

December 29, 2009 at 11:14 am

so i said the right one :) and still doesn’t feel right so sadness :(

arienda bebekecil says:

December 29, 2009 at 11:16 am

Walaupun gw ga pernah ngalamin,tp mudah2an kita yg kenal org2 yg pernah atau br kegyguran bs kasih komen yg membesarkan hati ketimbang menyakiti hati

alinarie says:

December 29, 2009 at 11:19 am

prefer not to say anything.. just visit her, and give a hug.. and say i love her…
i had blighted ovum.. mostly they said it’s my fault.. oh please..

ibunya Akbar & Aisha says:

December 29, 2009 at 11:48 am

Aku jg pernah ngalamin pas anak ke 2. Anak pertamaku yg msh heboh2nya loncat2 di perutku, gak lama perutku sakit dan keluarlah gumpalan2 itu. Ah sedihnya, ternyata aku ga menyadari kalau aku sdg hamil (baru telat 1/2 bln).
Stlh dicuret, byk yg bilang akan susah mendptkan anak lagi, tp aku selalu berusaha dan berpikiran positif. Aku sama sekali gak menyalahkan anakku, dia gak ngerti apa2.

Alhamdulillah stlh keguguran itu aku hamil lagi dan anak ke 2ku udh berumur 5 th sekarang.
Intinya gak perlu kita menyalahkan siapapun, dlm hal ini org lain atau bahkan kita sendiri. Berpikiran positif adalah lbh baik, utk mendptkan yg terbaik, insya Allah.

Saat ini sdg berusaha utk menambah adik lagi hihihi…

Thanks for the article

disti says:

December 29, 2009 at 12:13 pm

thanks for the article.. i can’t imagine how it must feel like.

Affi says:

December 29, 2009 at 1:40 pm

sanetya,
Postingan ini memang terinspirasi dari temen kita itu man :( Hopefully she’ll recover soon ya..

citra,
Kebanyakan sih ngomong hal2 di atas emang gak maksud nyakitin kan so it’s okay dear and glad you find the article useful :)

erwen & amal
You’re welcome, ladies :)

lucy,
Iya, emang kebanyakan yg ngomong komen2 di atas emang bermaksud menghibur sih dan kita jg yg nerima jadi gak enak kan mau ngingetin bahwa omongannya bikin kita tambah sedih. Anyway, tetap semangat ya luc! Kita doain supaya kamu cepet hamil lagi yaaa :)

Hanzky,
Iya, gue dulu sedih bgt krn temen mertua gue nanya knp gue keguguran trus dijawab sm mertua “Kecapean kerja” padahal guenya ada di situ and I could have explained to her the reason better :( Agree with you, a warm hug says a lot more!

kucingpenidur,
Glad you tried to say the right things :)

arienda bebekecil,
Yep, setuju :)

alinarie,
Sorry to hear what happened dear :(

ibunya Akbar & Aisha
Aduh aku ngilu dengernya. So very sorry about what happened and glad you got through it okay. Nanti kabar-kabari ya kalo udah isi lagi :D

disti,
You’re welcome dear :)

lita says:

December 29, 2009 at 5:36 pm

nice article affi :)
iya euy suka bingung mo ngmg apa, “im so sorry for ur lost” itu udah paling netral kayanya..

lolita says:

December 29, 2009 at 5:41 pm

gue juga suka bingung harus ngomong apa fi. biar gimana juga, yg hilang nggk bisa digantikan kan?

MrsRance says:

December 29, 2009 at 6:25 pm

thanks for the article Fi, jadinya enggak papa yah kalo kita hanya mengucapkan so sorry for your loss. sometimes suka bingung pengen ngomong apa tapi takut salah omong malahan.

mrs. adi says:

December 29, 2009 at 7:57 pm

aku juga kalo ktemu sm orang yg mengalami hal ini lebih baik keep silent and just give a hug… menurutku mereka lebih butuhin itu…

December 30, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Lita, Lolita, MrsRance and Mrs.Adi,
Thank you and hopefully you won’t have to use those 6 words to anyone in the future :)

Tria says:

January 5, 2010 at 11:25 am

Nice and very informative as always, Bunda Affi.. *kabur*

vtree says:

January 5, 2010 at 2:56 pm

great article..
ngomong2, kalo mo diomongin pake bahasa indonesia enaknya jadi apa ya…?turut berduka aja kali ya….

January 5, 2010 at 6:49 pm

Tria
Terima kasih Bunda Tria…popoknya nggak sekalian bunda?

vtree,
Thank you :) Iya, biasanya sih kl dalam bahasa Indonesia gue ngomongnya turut berduka cita aja..

Inaya says:

January 11, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Dear Affi,

I identify with your article so much. I also had a miscarriage in 2008 and heard, among others: ‘Kebanyakan naik tangga sih’ and ‘Ngga boleh capek2′. They always mean well, always. But this rationalisation does not lessen the pain.

I feel you.

Best,
Inaya

Kirana says:

January 11, 2010 at 2:25 pm

when this happen, I really cannot say anything. gue bersyukur diberkahi kehamilan yang ngga ribet dan cenderung kuat. jadi malah takutnya ngomong apa2 ntar malah salah.
mentang2 situ gampang, mentang2 situ ga pernah bermasalah…
jadi mostly gue cenderung nanyain penyebabnya dsb (terutama yg medis misalnya kayak karena torch, ato blighted ovum), supaya bisa jadi masukan buat temen2 lain yg punya kendala yg sama.

anin says:

January 12, 2010 at 11:19 am

hmm I totally agree with the list of things not to say. Komen2 kaya gitu annoying sekali dan selalu ada aja orang yang ngomong. Kalo gue mending gak banyak ngomong sih other than saying that you’re sorry for the loss.

yanti says:

January 15, 2010 at 2:52 pm

gw pernah ngalamin, dan setuju banget sama tulisan Affi di atas. orang cenderung menyalahkan ibunya, padahal kan itu menyakitkan banget ya.. kehilangan kandungan dan disalah2in. seperti sudah jatuh, tertimpa tangga.

sari says:

May 27, 2010 at 3:51 pm

affi, artikel yang lo tulis sama banget sama pengalaman yg gw alamin.. anak pertama udah 5bulan harus di keluarin dgn paksa krn pembukaannya udah lengkap.. hikzzzzz.. sementara gw lg nangis2 darah krn kehilangan baby org2 sibuk nyalahin gw.. yang cape lah, yg kurang makan lah, yang krn kucing lah.. aarrghh pengen teriaak rasanya,tp gw cm bs nangis..
dan omongan “Makanya jangan kecapean / Terlalu ngoyo kerjanya /makannya kurang banyak sih jd bayinya kecil” itu selalu muncul di kehamilan berikutnya.. *sigh* gw memang bukan tipe org yg hamilnya gampang dan lancar.. di kehamilan kedua yg udah extra ati2 pun akhirnya gw musti berbaring d rs selama 1,5 bulan sampe babynya lahir.. prematur pula.. huhu
kebayang kan udah 1.5bulan kudu terbaring d rs,plus di salah2in.. dan lagi2 gw cuman bs nangis..
tp alhamdulilah,si baby kuat dan bisa bertahan ampe skrg.. ^^,